The Giant Who Crushed My Spirit With Big Fancy Shoes

I'm sure every modern person with any kind of social network has taken that trip down memory lane, purposefully or not so much.  Today a friend of a friend commented on something and it took me down a bitter road of memories.  Nowadays everyone is offendable, deletable, expendable.  We can toss someone like an old hat on a whim or a grimace.  I'm not discounting your feelings...but before the internet was an every-day appliance it was a lot harder to read between the lines when you met someone.  People in authority stayed in authority and you could rarely get a glimpse behind the curtain.  (Especially people with something to hide!)  There wasn't a button you could click to see more about their hidden agendas, opinions or accomplishments.  This by no means infers you should trust someone because of what it says on their profile!  It's just that the mystery of who a person was made you a little more slow to approach.  Maybe a little more quick to assume their position in life was what it was.  I don't know why I spent time today thinking about some of these people who had a negative impact on my life.  Some people I unconsciously got away from before getting away from someone was a popular modern internet, relationship and self-help phenomenon.  

Thanks to modern technology one of those beyond-difficult people showed up in my living room today.  Sitting on my couch, minding my own business, someone who deeply hurt me with their callous personality and dastardly people skills was all of a sudden on my screen.  This was a person who I was supposed to show respect and allegiance to.  Ironically that person was friends with some of the other people I really had no interest in ever seeing again.  And guess what?  Those scary far-off (in memory and geography) places looked a lot smaller than they use to.  Those people looked a lot less exciting and important than they use to.  I don't see any reason to please them or impress them or be anything like them.  I'm not impressed with who they are and, from this distance of time, I can see who they truly are.  For maybe the first time that felt good.  Instead of feeling helpless or downtrodden...I felt a little bad for them.  I know, totally cliche', right?!  But true.  I could go down the next road...the one where they are totally lame and I am not.  ;)  But I'll just chalk it up to...God tells me to forgive and love them, anyway.  And I never have to go back to that place (or page!) again.

Renovate

Last year I had a word of the year. I didn't know it was a real thing...I just keep getting this one word in my head...I don't remember what the word was but I think it was something along the lines of "contentment" I refuse to look it up because I know I didn't follow the advice all year.  I know know if I'd considered that word something from God that would help me all year, it would have!  

So it's probably a beginning of the year thing, but sometime in February (it took all of January for me to realize I should have listened to last years' word).  Note that last year, we were trying to get an 1880's nearly 3,000 sq ft house which would have helped fulfill our dreams of growing our family and also doing foster care.  But it all fell through (super long story) and so we just unlisted our house last week or so because our future we were certain of (apparently forgetting we are humans) is a little fuzzy now.  Anyway, the new word that's been on my mind is Renovate.  When I say on my mind, I don't think it's random, I think it's something positive that God sends me way.  (Sorry, I'm one of those.)  Soooooooo - renovate took me a while to swallow.  But it's a positive moving forward and taking what you have and making it new and different.  It's exciting and a grand alternative to sitting in our possible misery while we wait for the next, literal, move.  Which is what we already started doing in January without planning it!  We pretty much changed most of what we were doing, rather how we were doing it...and started over.

We're at our third "at bat" with the Dave Ramsey snowball plan (www.daveramsey.com).  Another thing we are excited about.  I keep trying to justify a vacation...but we're not there.  We have so much, stuff.  If we renovate...it means appreciating what we have, getting rid of what doesn't work, and only adding what makes things better.

Oh, and I'm liking the complete bareness of this white blog.  But maybe, by the time 2016 rolls around...I'll be ready to renovate that too.

No shoes Sunday

So my son called me out today.  He's too little to know it.  But he used his great sense of humor and innocence to make me laugh and convict me of my ridiculousness.  If you know me very, very well - you would know I tend to panic.  Not sky is falling panic, but definitely everything is ruined panic.  In the business world this panic is masked by a calm exterior and an even calmer tone of voice.  If you hear that tone of voice, things are not well.  But at home, where professionalism is cast aside with those blasted stockings and high heels...mine is more of a chicken without a head running around experience.  My kids and husband are all too familiar with this.  Today it was over not being able to find my church shoes when we were actually running on time for church.  What I did find were some post-season 90% off American flag flip flops under the kitchen table...which coordinated nicely with my dress black palazzo pants and purple toe nail polish.  (This is where you should also realize my humor completely aligns with old-school Muppet Show humor: sarcasm, quick (i.e. not filtered) wit, with a penchant for being slightly rude but mostly in a self-depreciating way. This would probably also be a good time to mention I blog late at night while I wait for the laundry to finish. And I really, really like parenthesis.)

Going back to those aforementioned cast aside high heels I asked everyone to look for...in my cluttered tiny house - and yes, I have ONE PAIR of church shoes/business shoes/dress shoes. That's not all I own, it's just all I'll wear, and all that's not in some form of storage.  Ok, moving on.  So I said, too loud and dramatically, I'll admit now, "UGH! I guess I'll just go to church barefooted."  To which my son quickly and innocently replied, "Mommy, a bear ate your shoes?!".  This is where part of my panic melted...just enough to giggle and explain to him the cute factor.  But, due to the still quite dramatic nature of said event...I carried on..."I guess I'll just have to go in my flip flops and everyone will make fun of me at church."  Again, Mr. cute and genuinely innocent "At church Mommy?  Are they all going to laugh at you?  At church?".  "Yes buddy, maybe."  (PS this was the WRONG answer, and not for the reasons you think...and I'm sure you've already thought of several of those reasons)  So we are on our way out...me in my dress clothes and horrifying shoe choice...me honestly naming in my head each of the people who will personally single me out and question my sanity in seemingly innocuous comments such as "Are you feeling all right honey?" and "Are you still working three jobs right now?" or the precious "I'll be praying for you".  Oh yeah, I said it.  I'll call it out, right here.  Right now.  There is a population of church ladies, genuine Christian pillars in earnest, who for "I'll be praying for you" means something entirely different than for what it was intended.  No doubt they are praying...but not for the things you necessarily could use the prayer for.  Sorry.  I'd elaborate but I've dug too deep and spent too much time tangent bound already...that and the rest of my story proves I am no better than that.  Anyway, so we're driving down the highway about halfway to church and my son says "Mommy, are people in church really going to laugh at you?" "Maybe buddy" (still the wrong answer) And in a completely serious and slightly upset voice he says: "Are those people driving by us laughing at your right now?"  "Maybe buddy, probably not" (cute boy child defusing my panic and stress) "And those people mommy, are they laughing at you driving by?"  Sigh.  Out of the mouth of babes.  Maybe next "crisis" I can take it down a notch or so, maybe.

PS We were still on time for church.  And the dryer buzzer just went off.